One after another, raindrops are like feelings spilling out.
You try and hold it in, but at some point, it’ll overflow and rain down.
Nothing can stop the cloudy days to come nor the rain from pouring.
So us, human beings, are also unable to stop all of those feelings from slipping out. When the storm comes, all we can do is to let it rain out, and silently pray we can swim through the chaos, until our tangled hearts calm down.
And a bright sun shines, in that gentle person’s smile.
His heart was held at the eye of the storm — that’s how that rainy day felt like to Kasey. His thoughts swam wildly through a chaotic sea of wariness and fear. His anxieties finally caught up to him, clouding his thoughts like the rain covering all of Castanet in a cold, wet blanket.
Sitting under the watermill by Flute Fields’ river, Kasey watched with hollowed eyes as the float of his fishing rod bobbed around idly, mostly shaken by the rain itself, his fishing bucket uncharacteristically empty. He didn’t care, not that day, sitting there not for the fishes, but for an excuse to escape his own thoughts. Anything to focus other than himself. If only it worked as intended.
His state of mind bled through when his float abruptly sank to the water, the rod bending down as a huge, heavy fish started to bite. Yet he barely reacted. Mildly startled when his rod nearly flew off his hands, only making enough force to keep hold on it, letting the fish easily escape with its tasty meal. He let out a sigh, readjusting himself back into a more comfortable position.
Pulling back his now empty hook, he lazily placed another bait, waited a few minutes, and threw it again, without the usual finesse he had worked so hard to perfect. He was just feeding the fish at this point. Maybe it’d make more sense to just throw the bait in, like he was feeding a bunch of ducks in a pond. But he had to keep the facade, at least for himself. Maybe if he pretended hard enough, it’d become true.
It was funny to think how much he bragged about Fall being his favourite season, he could probably write poems about how much he loved rainy days, spending the last two seasons excited for his birthday to come. And now that it was here, it felt like all his hopes washed away with the rain.
Afloat in a sea of nothingness, just like a fish that was caught and struggled to breath, he too felt like he’d soon suffocate.
“Now, that’s a face I didn’t expect to find here!”
That familiar voice pulled him out of his haze, like a lifeline stretched into the dark, to pull him out and back into the light. The gentleness, the sweetness. Toby’s voice always had a way to stir him up, and that emerald gaze sent jolts down his spine. He was a bit taken back when the fisherman approached to sit close next to him, surely there for his own fishing.
“Hey… You alright, Kasey? You don’t look too hot?” The usual warmth of that laid-back smile of his was replaced by worry. It made Kasey flinch in realisation. His mask was down, and that was the last person he’d want to worry.
Shaking his head, he tried to force himself to smile and chuckle at the fisherman. “Whaa? I’m just a bit sleepy is all, dude!” a part of him cringed at how much like Luke he sounded, way too energetic for the situation, way too out-of-character too. He silently cursed himself for the attempt. And by the look on Toby’s face, he knew it only made things worse. His smile probably looked more like a grimace. Nervousness bleeding through.
Kasey let out a deep, exhausted sigh and shrugged, turning his gaze back to the water. “Just… a lot.” He muttered, slumping against the wall behind him. Toby nodded, scooching closer and offering the rancher a friendly silence. If Kasey didn’t want to, he wouldn’t pester. But if he needed someone to listen, he’d be there.
“Do I look that bad? You clocked it right away, hah…” The noise that escaped his mouth sounded like something between a defeated chuckle and an exasperated sigh, frustration welling up inside. His eyes burned, but no tears came out.
Toby smiled at him, a mixture of reassurance, pity and kindness. Overwhelmingly bitter-sweet, it made his stomach churn. That smile had a way to mess with his heart, make it flutter. But right now, it also made his chest heavy. He could almost taste burnt caramel in his mouth, lost in the contradicting emotions clogging his mind. “Because I know you, Kay.” He giggled. “I know that bright smile. I’m used to your usual energy. I know you’re not that silent. And I also know you’re one of the best fishers in Castanet, you’d never miss such a good catch — unless you did it on purpose.”
What could he do but stare? His mouth was agape, his heart was racing. To hear all of those things from the one he cherished the most, for whom he longed for. Maybe Toby paid as much attention to him. But right now, he didn’t know what to make of it. He had no response. He could only shrug and look away. It hurt. He hated making Toby worry. He hated not being able to return the warmth. But at that moment, his heart was too overwhelmed. He was afraid of the words he’d puke out.
That fisherman was too kind, always so sweet and laid-back. He seemed so relaxed most of the time, his calmness was usually intoxicating. Whenever he was close to Toby, Kasey couldn’t help just giving into the calm. Like the world could seriously be at ease. To think that guy could have such a powerful effect on him. Even on a turbulent time like this, he just leaned in against the rocky wall, breathing deeply, letting the moment set. Maybe that’s all he needed, after all.
“So,” and yet, Toby broke the silence after a bit, “I take the rain got half of your work done for the day. I was a bit surprised to find you here at this time… But I’m glad.” He giggled.
Kasey arched a brow at that, tilting his head. “Are you? Can’t say I’d be excited to spend time with a downer, haha… A-Anyway, yeah. Something like that. Just had to care for the animals. Since the crops won’t need me today, figured fishing would be a good distraction.” He chuckled and shrugged.
Toby just chuckled in response. “Kasey… we all have bad days.” He rested a hand on his friend’s shoulder, giving it a squeeze. “You’re not a downer. You’re only human… And… I’m always happy to spend time with you.” He seemed to blush some, looking away with a giggle. “And if you’re feeling down, I hope my company will help. You do so much for Castanet… A-And, you’ve also done a bunch for me and my family too…” He sighed. “What I’m trying to say is… you know I’m here for you too, yeah?” He offered a smile, gentle and reassuring, yet flustered, coy.
The rancher once again found himself taken aback by that kindness. His heart could easily melt like butter from that smile alone. It was overpowering. He gulped down nervously, so overwhelmed with emotion he needed to avert his gaze for just a second. He didn’t want to cry, not just yet. “I…. Hah, damn it, Toby. I don’t know what to say.” He laughed, scratching the back of his head.
“What can I say… You’re always around. Cooking me all those amazing dishes, fishing with me… I-I guess… I want to return that kindness…” His cheeks were burning visibly, chuckling softly at himself. “You don’t need to tell me all that’s wrong. I know how hard it is to vent sometimes… But you don’t need to shoulder these feelings alone either. I can just be here. We can catch some fish. And I can help you forget about it for a while.” That hand was back on Kasey’s shoulder, and he felt electricity run through his body. He had to hold back a shudder, his chest was close to bursting. His face was hot all over, and it seemed they had both given up hiding those red cheeks. He finally smiled, chuckled, and then nodded confidently.
“Yeah…” Kasey spoke up. “That’d feel nice…”
The two let silence settle comfortably between them. For now, words weren’t needed. There was too much in Kasey’s mind, and the reassuring company of Toby while sheltering themselves under the watermill and fishing in the rain was all he needed to forget about it. Minutes flew by, their buckets quickly filling up with more fish. And Kasey even allowed himself some willpower for bigger catches, looking more like his usual self by the minute.
Soon enough they were laughing together, joking and poking fun at each other, helping with the bigger fish, splashing in the rain, until they barely had strength to keep standing, falling back down and leaning against each other for support. It’s like an entire moody morning had melted away before his eyes. Kasey glanced over Toby, who smiled up at him, and they laughed in sync.
“You know…” He trailed off, gazing at the still rainy stretch of land before then, barely past noon, plenty of light out despite the heavy rain and grey skies. “I guess… Well… I don’t know if I can say I knew it… More like… Ahh, so stupid…” He chuckled at himself, flustered cheeks as he scratched his head. “I just… really hoped that, no matter how sad I felt… I’d look to the side, and you’d be there, smiling at me. Like a hook, reeling me out of the dark. Haha, that sounds so cheesy now that I’m saying it out loud, but… I-I guess this is the long, convoluted way of saying… T-Thank you. For finding me here. For staying. For not… letting me drown in my own sorrow.” His rambling ended with a warm smile, his hand slowly tracing its way over Toby’s.
It was like all air disappeared from his lungs, he could swear time froze still, that if he looked around every raindrop would stand in place, that even sound drowned out. But he couldn’t bring himself to look away from Kasey’s teary face, staring in awe with burning cheeks and a racing heart. He squeezed that hand back hard, failing a chuckle, and just stumbling over his thoughts as he tried to muster anything that resembled a cohesive sentence. But he couldn’t, there were no words that could ever express that symphony of feelings singing in his heart. So he smiled, and squeezed that hand harder.
“We’re both… Really bad at saying stuff, huh… F-Feelings, I mean… S-So I hope…” He trailed off, slowly inching closer. “I hope this is fine…” He muttered before closing the gap, sealing their lips together in a soft, tender touch. Timid, careful, so ever gentle. Kasey froze, feeling every inch of his body tense up, afraid that moving would wake him up from a dream too good to be true.
They held like that for what felt like eternity, lips pressed together, but too wary of moving any further, waiting for the other’s reaction. Their eyes met for a fraction of a second as their lips parted again. And the look in each other’s eyes was all they needed. Kasey pulled Toby back into a kiss, firmer this time, melting away all barriers and worries, sighing into it, almost singing with joy, and his groans sounded even happier when he felt Toby’s hands firmly hold onto his waist like his life depended on it.
Burning up like stars, it was like their bodies were supernovas. Kasey’s back firmly pressed against the rocky wall of the hill, a warm body over his, squeezing between his legs which soon wrapped themselves around the kneeling fisherman, and their kiss grew needy, desperate, as if they needed it to breathe. Their moaning made a melody out of the rain as the noise mixed up and got lost down the flowing river. They held onto each other for dear life, savouring every second, engraving it into their very souls; the taste, the tenderness, the very texture of the flesh. They melted into one another, tears streamed down both their faces, overcome with emotion, so many pent up feelings they held for so long, and were so exhausted of holding back out of silly worry and fear.
For once, they could just feel. And it felt goddamned right.
[…]
The walk to the farm fell back into that familiar and pleasant silence. They didn’t need words to say all they felt, hands keeping each other warm as the cold rain poured over them. It didn’t matter, it didn’t bother them. They’d just smile and giggle and move on forward. There in their intimacy was all the warmth they needed.
They wouldn’t let such a wonderful moment end there, of course. While there were still lines they were a bit nervous to cross just yet, they wanted to enjoy the most that day had to offer– together. While Kasey warmed up in the shower, Toby called home to say he’d sleep out, and then went to prep some of the fish they caught. Once the farmer was out, he went right on to cooking them, while Toby took his turn with the hot water.
Dinner was enjoyed over some TV program they let playing as white noise in the background, and some light-hearted small talk. They took every precious second to just enjoy every moment of it. Toby adored Kasey’s food, and wanted to savour every bite. Watching him eat just warmed the farmer’s heart. Like most things Toby did, granted. But there was a special tenderness about feeding someone, and then watching them enjoy it so earnestly. It made him feel oddly accomplished. He’d do anything just to get that wonderfully-satisfied face from Toby.
They drank some wine as they talked about menial things, harmless gossip from around town, and random ramblings as they came to mind, all while lovingly gazing into each other’s eyes and holding hands.
While his worries didn’t exactly vanish, nor was he ready to open up about all of the things clouding his mind just yet, for one day, one precious evening, Kasey could forget all that was wrong, and focus on that one treasure he had. And one day, he’d feel ready to cry his heart out, and he knew at that moment that, no matter how much it hurt, it’d be alright, because he was no longer carrying these burdens alone. And once he felt better, and strong again, he’d also be there for Toby when he tripped on his own heart. So long they stood together, the sad days would pass. Maybe they’d still fall and get hurt, but someone would be there with a hand out to lift them back up, in a way no one else could ever understand.
As light faded outside, they found themselves in Kasey’s bed, holding each other close. He buried his nose in Toby's hair, hugging him from behind, hoping to engrave that smell in his mind for the lonely days they weren’t together. His hands caressed softly over the fisherman’s chest and belly, their legs so entwined they weren’t sure where one ended and the other began; just as they wanted it. Toby hummed contently, basking in Kasey’s warmth, running his own hands along the farmer’s arms, brushing fingers together, and grinding his head back against the nuzzling face.
“It’s… Kind of surreal, isn’t it?” His voice was quiet, soft. Toby left out a chuckle before continuing, not even needing to look behind him to picture Kasey’s curious expression. “How many times have we both… daydreamed about something like this? Feels a bit embarrassing now that I think about it… We’ve been pining for so long and… We just didn’t see it!” He laughed, and Kasey followed suit.
“I guess we are pretty silly. Gosh, now I don’t wanna tell people. How many of them are gonna reply to the news with “took you long enough” or something?” He mocked in what likely seemed like Gill’s voice, earning another hearty laugh from Toby.
“Ah… I can definitely hear Renee already. She’ll tease me so much… But, hey, that’s good, yeah? Means they care about us.” He giggled. “Still… It just… Feels like a dream. And I’m glad it won’t ever end.” He smiled, looking over his shoulder.
Kasey leaned in to kiss his cheek, chuckling. “And it’ll only get better. I’ll promise you that. Might not be perfect all the time… But we’ll do our best.” He trailed kisses along Toby’s shoulder and neck, earning a few ticklish giggles in response. He rested his face on the crook of that neck and let out a deep sigh of relief. “I’ll admit… One of the things that were weighing me down was…” He felt his chest tighten, feeling embarrassed of himself for a moment. He could choke on these words. He wanted to be honest, but it hurt to say. His grip tightened around Toby.
Luckily for him, Toby didn’t need him to say more to understand it, just turning around to kiss his forehead. “And like I told you… You’re only human. I… Worried about it too. There’s been so many times where I was scared of… Messing it up. We just both care a lot and… We wanted to do it right. And we did, in the end…” He chuckled.
“Kasey,” his tender gaze met his lover’s, cupping his face in one hand, “I’m here. I’m yours. Don’t be so harsh on yourself. There’ll be a time where I’ll be sad too, and you’ll tell me all of those things. I’m pretty sure you already have, before. It’s what love is for, yeah? Caring for each other… So just… let ourselves… Feel…” His words stuttered as the distance between them seemed to disappear. His voice faded into another kiss, a rush of relief washing over both of them.
Toby pulled away to give a warm smile, fingers running around the brown locks of Kasey’s hair. “That worry is gone now. And we can deal with the others later, when you’re ready. Right now… Just allow yourself to enjoy. I’m not going anywhere.” He reassured, and was surely met with a tight hug, Kasey burying his face into Toby’s chest.
“Sosososososo SO much.” He muttered, lifting his head back up so his voice wouldn’t sound so muffled. “I love you so much!!! It’s like I forget how to breathe! A-And when you smile, gosh! I swear I could scream!! And how calming your voice sounds, ah, I could fall asleep just listening to you talk… I-In a good way! I mean, it… It calms my heart! I feel so at peace, like the world just gone right! A-And also when-” He was interrupted by Toby’s amused chuckling, unable to stop himself, face entirely red.
“A-Alright, alright. Maybe too excited. You’re gonna make my heart stop gushing like that…” He giggled again, patting Kasey’s head. Even breathing sent waves of heat through his body, his skin felt like it was tingling with electricity. Butterflies in his stomach? No, it felt like a school of fish rioting in a flood. And he was sure Kasey felt all of those things too.
Kasey blushed a bit, giggling as he hid his face back into that chest. “W-What can I say… I’ve been holding it in for so long… But I guess… We never needed many words to say what we feel, yeah? I think that’s what I like the most… It feels like we look at each other and just… Know.” He nuzzled Toby again, just taking in the texture of his clothing, the heat of his body, stopping to listen to every heartbeat.
Toby mused, humming in response. “I think you’re right… Silence never felt awkward around you. Now that I think about it, we’ve always had this… instant connection, I guess? I’m really grateful for it…” He stroked Kasey’s hair, his other hand rubbing up and down the farmer’s back.
Kasey only ever broke away from their embrace once, to leave his radio playing some tunes while he turned all the lights off. The rest of their night was mostly spent with lots of cuddling, soft spoken words, and the occasional kissing and fondling. Maybe they’d have a few awkward marks around their necks they’d have to explain to anyone who noticed. But at the end of a rainy night, they were in peace like they had never been.
As Dear Hearts and Gentle People played on the radio, they faded into sleep. And would wake up to a bright future ahead of them — together.
